3. Enneagram
Bring your book, notes, and questions to today’s meeting and be ready to discuss them together.
The goal of this meeting is to understand the link between pain and behavior, and how compassion guides us to honor and restore one another in the way of Jesus.
Enneagram Discussion Guide
Whether you were familiar with the Enneagram before, or this is all new to you, you’ve probably learned some new things about yourself with this book, and also discovered some things about your partner.
Catch up with your Mentors about your experience reading the book, and anything you’ve learned about you, your partner, and what your types may be.
“To the degree we remain ignorant of our worldview, of the messages and beliefs that for better or for worse have shaped who we are, we are prisoners of our history.”
The point of a tool like the Enneagram is not to reduce you to a type or label, but to introduce you to the well-worn pathways of your thoughts and behaviors that aren’t actually you at all.
How does the pain and confusion we experience throughout life shape how we see and interact with the world today?
Why is it so important to pursue that awareness for you personally, and for your marriage?
Why might it be unhealthy to “wear your number" like a badge? What is the “goal” of all this self-awareness?
You may at times be tempted to use your partner’s number like a “weapon” against them, or as a way to control or manipulate them to get what you want. This may sound silly, but it almost certainly will happen in some way if it hasn’t already.
How might you, personally, be tempted to use what you know about your partner’s personality and history against them? Are you willing to lay that down and use what you know to restore them instead?
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Information is not transformation. In other words, we don’t change simply because we know something.
The Enneagram is a useful tool to become more aware of the things in our behaviors and personalities that we don’t need to keep, and also give the good things within us room to grow.
The Enneagram doesn’t just show us the worst of us; it shows us the best of us. Any way we’ve been de-formed by the world, other people, or our own choices is simply a way something God-made and good has been corrupted.
What are you learning about the good things within you? What are you learning about your partner?
Are you willing to love your spouse with the intentionality needed to bring these good things to their fullest potential in Christ?
Note: This will require you to deny deeply ingrained selfishness in order to place your spouse’s needs above your own impulses. As you do, spirit-fueled compassion will take the place of older ways of handling things. You’ll know this is happening when the thought of your spouse’s pain overrides any desire you have to be right or in control. You will simply be overwhelmed with a desire to see them made whole, and you’ll do whatever the Spirit is asking you to do to help.
“Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
“Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”
Practice
No doubt you’ve laughed your way through this discussion, but most likely this topic has triggered some significant snags in your histories and relationship, too.
It’s important to pause and consider any way your partner’s strategies for handling life have ended up hurting you. Also, consider ways your own responses to stress have led you to harm your partner.
Come clean with each other, right here with your Mentors to guide you through it.
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
Men, remember to nourish, cherish, sacrifice, sanctify, and satisfy your partner in any way you can, eagerly. Women, remember to submit to and respect your partner, because you love him.
Your mentor couple will pray over you to close.
Next Time
Set the time and date for your next meeting.
Before then, read the Preface, Introduction to Part 1, Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 4, Chapter 6, and the Conclusion (p. 259-261) of Ken Sande’s book, The Peacemaker.
You’ll discuss your questions, thoughts, and takeaways from these sections in your next meeting, so bring your book and notes along and come ready to share.